Improptu Reviews: The Spanish Billionaire's Pregnant Wife: Chapter 10

The Spanish Billionaire's Pregnant Wife: the Final Chapter! Finally, we are at the end of this nonsense.
Of course the broody Spanish billionaire owns a Renaissance-era Tuscan villa. And of course he has a ton of similar houses all over the world. Bloody typical. 
The love-birds (ick) are mooching around. Molly wants to know more about not-so-perfect-perfect-dead-wife. Leandro's marriage to perfect-dead-wife was miserable: what a twist!
And now, an apropos of nothing quote: "Shut up, or you'll get ravished on the stairs" Molly warned him."
Also, Molly's breasts are apparently "globes": if you look in the right place you can spot Albuquerque.
Bla bla sex scene bla bla "slow, insistent rhythm" bla bla "excitement climbed to torturous heights" etc etc "pressed his mouth to her shoulder, muttering incomprehensible words of Spanish". Ay caramba!
Also apparently all the women in the vicinity of the Tuscan villa "fancy the socks off" Leandro.
More information about not-so-perfect-perfect-dead-wife. She and Leandro were good friends but miserably married because of her terrible dark secret . . . that she was secretly gay. Plot twist!
More quotes: "I like it when you're out of control" Molly whispered, ready to take shameless liberties with her exploring hands." I'm half expecting a "Blazing Saddles" style joke: 'Ma'am, that's my elbow'.
Time skip! We leap forward about two years. Apparently Molly's half-brother owns a Greek island as well as a helicopter (probably to annoy Leandro: my island is bigger than yours!".). Molly now has a toddler, Leandro has his heir, and everything is just dandy. Julieta is now dating someone RICH and not sexy estate manager. She's can't date POOR people: what if she catches poverty?!!
Molly's still pals with platonic room mate Jez, but I guess he got over her and got himself a non-platonic room mate. Molly also now has a business selling (presumably) over-priced pottery.
The book ends with Molly and her extended family sitting around, enjoying being rich. THE END.
Moral of the story: It doesn't matter if they're possessive, entitled, rude, uncommunicative . . . if they've got money, marry them! Buy a jet. Have sex on that jet.

Improptu Reviews: The Spanish Billionaire's Pregnant Wife: Chapter 9

Chapter 9 of the SPanish Billionaire's Pregnant schmuck.
Leandro is moody again. Even firing sexy estate manager hasn't cheered him up (this book only has room for one sexy SPaniard, you know). Leandro is SO concerned about Molly that he CUTS SHORT HIS MEEETING to fly home! (wow, such devotion!). 
He discovers a note that Molly left for him: "'Sup Leandro? Turns out that I've got a long lost family and they're loaded! Laters! PS. My half-brother's got a helicopter."
Julieta tearfully confesses to Leandro that she was having an affair with sexy estate manager, so Molly is off the hook.
Meanwhile in the "unashemedly luxurious pool house" at Nikolai's London home, Molly is chilling by the pool with her newly discovered, super rich family. Molly's father was apparently a Greek tycoon, meaning that she is now LOADED.
But then Leandro shows up: "A masculine dream . . . her breasts swelled and her body tingled back to life at the mere sight of him".
Shock horror: Leandro APOLOGISES to Molly for being a jealous jerk. "Her treacherous body was already reacting to [his] interest with a hot pulse in her pelvis". Jesus Molly, focus!
Bla bla bla "how could you leave me?" bla bla bla you don't lovee me bla bla bla your mother in law called me a gold digger bla bla but I love you bla.
"THis was the guy she loved, the guy she missed every hour of the day." Needy much?
But Molly's a STRONG woman and she's not convinced that it will work out. Molly's half brother turns up and bickers with Leandro: bla bla my helicopter's bigger than yours! Oh yeah, well I have a jet!
Needy, horny Molly shudders at the thought of divorce: she's got her claws into that hunk of cash, and she's not letting go - I mean, she loves Leandro and wants to have a family with him.
Leandro goes to his one true love: a bottle of whiskey. Molly suggests that they go on holiday together to work on their marriage. Also Leandro has to make an effort or something.

Improptu Reviews: The Spanish Billionaire's Pregnant Wife: Chapter 8

Time for more "The Spanish Billionaire's Pregnant Wife". 
Molly's doing pottery in the studio that sexy Spanish estate manager set up for her. But hwat's this? She's still angsting! Also her "boyish slenderness" has gone, cos' now she has a "protuberant little mound": ew, that's a weird way of talking about your bump. 
Also "Leandro had embraced every change in her body with masculine enthusiasm" . . . "He was a very lusty guy".
But sex, jewels, fancy clothes, and pottery aren't enough for Molly: she wants Leandro to call her when he's on business trips, and to tell hr about his perfect dead wife.
Platonic Jez suggests that she should come home to London, but Molly's going to hold on to her man, cos' "marriage is for the long haul". That's right Mollly. Dig your claws into that sinking ship, because clearly the best thing for your child is two parents who can't stand each other.
Also her mother in law still hates her.
Julieta turns up to invite Molly to go clubbing. Even though "pregnants clubbers weren't exactly cool or fashionable", Molly's going to get down and funky. And - what a coincidence! - she finds a picture of her sister, Ophelia, in a magazine. Ophelia is apparently married to a rich Greek tycoon and is rolling. Molly then mopes about her tragic past, when mean old Granny Gladys refused to look after Molly: "Your father was a foreigner . . . who jilted your mother at the altar . . . it'll be much better for us all if you're adopted". Guess Granny Gladys didn't need Molly and her enormous emerald eyes. Molly then facebook stalks Ophelia - oops, I mean, researches Ophelia!
Meanwhile, Leandro is brooding at the bank. He gets the wrong idea about Molly the house elf and sexy estate manager, Leandro is moody (what's new?). Molly and Leandro bicker some more, and Leandro decides that he can't let Molly drive when she's angry, so he PICKS HER UP and shoves her in his car . . . this book :(
So Molly goes out clubbing, and decides that sexy estate manager is a gold digger who's after the family fortune. Takes one to know one, Molly.
Molly wakes up the next morning and gets a call from long lost Ophelia, and discovers that she also has a rich half-brother. She now she has money - I mean, family! But what's this?! Oh no, the paparazzi got photos of Molly looking like a complete moron on the dance floor. Leandro accuses her of cheating on him with sexy estate manager. oh, the drama.
Leandro huffs off to Geneva. Molly mopes, then her newly discovered half-brother offers to pick her up in his helicopter and fly her to England for a visit. As you do.
But what's this? Molly discovers a hidden packet of birth control pills! Guess Leandro's perfect dead wife wasn't so perfect after all!
Her half-brother lands his helicopter on the lawn (probably ruining the landscaping - what a douche) and off they go.

Improptu Reviews: The Spanish Billionaire's Pregnant Wife: Chapter 7

The Spanish Billionaire's Pregnant wife strikes back! You thought I had given up, didn't you?
So, on to Chapter 7. Oh no, poor miserable Molly had to sleep in a separate room from moody Spaniard on her wedding night! Her only consolation is that her marriage was consumated on his private jet. Classy.
Sexy Spaniard's sister Julieta turns up to take Molly shopping, because - oh no - Leandro is at work. Pass Molly a banknote to cry into - how could he leave without saying goodbye to her?!!!!!
". . . the last thing her child needed was a mother who lacked self esteem". Could it be . . . is this book being self aware?
But what's this? Leandro's mother doesn't like Molly one bit, calling her a "scheming, gold-digging little tramp!" Sounds about right.
We also discover that Leandro's dead wife was perfect and everyone loved her.
So Molly goes shopping and buys herself a dress to match her house-elf-like eyes. It's probably as tacky as her wedding dress was.
Leandro turns up bearing a box of jewels, and gives her pearls and diamonds. On to a fancy party! Julieta's decided that Molly, the woman she's known for about one day, is her new best friend, and confides a secret in her: she's been secretly dating the sexy estate mananger Fernando! Shock, horror!
Flirty Fernando turns up and flirts with Molly. Confronted with an overdose of sexy Spaniards, Molly can't take it anymore and faints. Leandro is jealous and moody. Molly reveals part of her TRAGIC backstory. There is much brooding. They bang: lots of "soft pink lips" and "You want me, querida" and "You feel like silk, gatita!"
Spare me

Improptu Reviews: The Spanish Billionaire's Pregant Wife: Chapter 6

Time for more Spanisn shenanigans.
Chapter 6
We start off with Molly in her tacky tacky dress (including “filmy” underwear: that sounds a bit like clingfilm but okay). Don’t lie to me, Molly, that snow beast monstrosity is not “a fairy tale of fluid organza”.
And wonderful PLATONIC Jez is there, telling her that it isn’t too late for her to change her mind. But no, Molly MUST marry Spanish ATM, otherwise her child will be ILLEGITIMATE. Molly, this book was written in the 2000s- get over your damn Freudian excuse.
And off they go, with PLATONIC Jez acting as a witness at the church. The wedding lasts . . . half a page.
MEDIOCRE!
And of course Molly is referred to as “the blushing bride”. I’d be blushing if I had such little fashion sense.
So the newly weds go to eat at a hotel, still in their wedding gear, then it’s on to Leandro’s PRIVATE AEROPLANE! Leandro complains about Molly hiring a photographer. Molly tells him to get a grip. Leandro calls her hysterical. Our happy couple, everyone.
And then they shag. Welcome to the Mile High Club, Molly. I’m sure your “stiff swollen peaks” and “throbbing crests” will be much appreciated. Leandro of course has been a member for a long time, due to his skill at “extract[ing} [people] from [their] remaining garments”. KLASSY. And that weird tongue in navel thing? Super KLASSY.
Of couse, Molly’s got a “wild, fierce longing inside” with “neither conscience nor shame”. She’s got a “storm of excitement … [driving] her out of control”. Apparently “in beds [she’s] absolute perfection”.
Also apparently it’s “unrealistic and greedy for her to want more than [hawt sexy sex] from a guy who he felt was rather out of her league when it came to looks and success”. Damn it Molly, get some self esteem!
And then it’s off to Spanish ATM”s SPANISH CASTLE. Dios mio. And the staff are waiting outside to greet them, and Leandro’s snobby family. Except for his younger sister, who’s super cool and studies fashion and stuff. And she meets the estate manager FERNANDO, who is sexy Spanish gardener or something. But what’s this? Uh oh, Leandro doesn’t want his waifu chatting to sexy Spanish gardener.
Our happy couple, everyone!

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Improptu Reviews: THe Spanish Billionaire's Pregant Wife: Chapter 5

The Spanish Billionaire's Pregnant Wife: Chapter 5
A very rushed summary of chapter 5: it's all I had time for. But what a chapter it is. Choice quotes include: 
"Her dress was unremarkable, fitted enough to hug her rounded breasts and just short enough to reveal shapely knees and accentuate the high heels she favoured to combat her diminutive height." (shapely knees?)
"enormous emerald green eyes" (so, like Dobby the house elf?)
"that full quivering pink mouth that he only had to look at to get hard and ready" (jeeez, what is this kink?)
So Spanish dude and dumbass waitress meet at a fancy restaurant, where Molly is "stiff as an iron bar trying to bend". Spanish billionaire is jealous of platonic Jez, Molly's dear PLATONIC bestie since their days as foster kids.
Spanish billionaire is such a dick. He calls Molly argumentative then threatens to leave the restaurant when she raises her voice. Remind me why these two should get together?
Also, apparently Spanish Dude's "freezing glance . . .chilled her fury with the efficiency of a bucket of ice". Classy.
And then, DUN DUN DUN: Molly reveals that she is PREGNANT! Spanish rich guy is shocked! This is a surprise: surely diminutive Molly is too diminiutive for a uterus to fit in there!
And of course, Leandro the SPanish rich douche insists on marrying her, because he needs an HEIR. Because he's a DUKE. A douchey duke who states that he can't give her love, only piles and piles of money to weep into. Oh, and there's no possibility of divorce. Oh, and if she refuses he'll fight her for custody. What a charmer.
So off the "happy" couple go to the gynaecologist to confirm that Molly is indeed knocked up. Molly buys a tacky wedding dress, and gets called into a soliciotr, where a MYSTERIOUS STRANGER has left an anonymous offer: refuse to marry SPanish money machine, and in return, get 2 million pounds;
Joke is on you, mysterious stranger: the pounds value just fell :P
But our "heroine" wants her child to be legitimate, so she rejects the offer. WHo could the MYSTERIOUS STRANGER be? Could it be PLATONIC Jez, or the Spanish ATM's snobby family? Will we ever discover? Who cares?

Improptu Reviews: The Spanish Billionaire's Pregant Wife: Chapters 1-4

NOTE: I'm uploading this here. I originally posted in on my facebook timeline, but it's difficult to find and re-read. 
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I was challenged to read The Spanish BIllionaire's Pregnant Wife, a terrible romance novel. Here's my summary of chapters 1-4.
Bloody hell, no more than 20 pages in and dark brooding rich guy (Leandro) and virginal naive heroine (Molly) have already had a snog. After he nobly defended her from drunk people pinching her bum, of course.
But what's this? Oh no, he needs a lift home! Don't worry, Molly's mini has been painted pink by her PLATONIC MALE FRIEND and flatmate Jez. So she gives him a lift.
And then they have the sex.
Best line in chapter 3? he kissed her and muttered some Spanish stuff
Foreshadowing with incredible subtlty: . . . It was a challenge for him to believe that there could be a genuine risk of her falling pregnant by him . . .
Oh and now he's having an erotic day dream during a work meeting.
And of course he knows her address.
Because he had her followed
And he calls her gatita
WHY???!
Oh he offers to make her his mistress after their night of passion
She says no cos she ain't no slut, y'all. She's a classy art school graduate who's a potter in her spare time.
And now Spanish Billionaire has turned up on Ms Naive's doorstep. They kiss and mutter SPanish stuff, then have champagne. But oh no! They didn't use a condom! What morons. Have neither of them heard of the morning after pill? Seriously? Why such a song and dance?
And Molly whines about the stigma of being an illegitimate child because . . . she was an illegitimate child! DUN DUN DUN!
But then PLATONIC MALE FRIEND Jez appears, with his blu eyes flashing! And Sexy Billionaire leaves in a huff. Oh drama! And Jez casually mentions that he quite fancies Molly. What? Jez, PLATONIC MALE FRIEND, does not have platonic feeling for Molly the Moron? SHock horror!
I hate this book.

Impromptu Review: Barbie and the Three Musketeers

I was babysitting the other night, and was persuaded to watch 'Barbie and the Three Musketeers'. 

Jeez. Dumas is rolling in his grave . . . 

So we start out in a poorly designed farm - no really, that windmill is way too close to the farmhouse, it's never going to turn properly - where we meet our protagonist: Barbie, oops, I mean CORINNE. 

She is training to be a musketeer, using the traditional French fighting style of . . . gymnastics? Seriously, the girl can't take more than five steps without cartwheeling or doing a backflip. 

Our heroine, everyone

So Barbie-ahem, Corinne; and her irritating talking animal side kicks, the poorly animated cat and the crippled-looking horse set off for Paris to join the musketeers. This would be a good time to discuss the animation. It sucks.  The computer animation works relatively well for the human characters, but the animals all look terrible, especially when they move, and the buildings look boxy. It all looks incredibly cheap. 

What's going on with Barbie/s thigh? And the horse's joints?

So Barbie and irritating animal sidekicks arrive in Disneyland. Cos' no way is that Paris: where's the city wall? You can tell that whoever was in charge of designing the layouts just threw up their hands and said 'Screw historical accuracy! Barbie's going to Disneyland!'. So Barbie enters generic-Medieval-themepark-with-pointy-turret-castle, full on Renfaire goers (clothing only two centuries out of date). But oh no! Barbie's a girl-she can't possibly be a musketeer. That and she has zero qualifications. Though I'm surprised that no one's commented on the fact that she;s wearing trousers: I'm fairly sure that Joan of Arc got burned for that (among other things). 

But I can fight scarecrows! I wanna join the musketeers, dammit!

What's a girl to do? Well, not to worry. Due to plot contrivance (a dog that looks like a pig chases her cat to the palace) Barbie gets a job at the palace, where she meets Rarity, Red Head, and Brunette. Not their actual names but whatever. They're pissed with her because during the great cat chase she managed to splash Rarity's new cape, shove Red Head into some roses, and shove Brunette into a fountain. Nice work, Barbie. But wait- this actually matches up with events in the novel! Are they going to all challenge her to a duel, only to be attacked by Cardinal Richelieu's guards and be forced to band together, all for one and one for all?

 Nope. Barbie just has to scrub the floor with a toothbrush (which hadn't been invented. This film is ripe for a game of 'spot the anachronism'. Don't make it a drinking game: you will be dead within the first ten minutes of the film). And now they'e friends. Aw. I guess they bonded over the overly short (for the time period) skirts.

So her new friends also want to become musketeers. But no girls allowed. I actually sort of like the fact that Barbie isn't the only one who wants to be a musketeer, and that while all the girls are pretty good fighters, they do have their own hobbies and distinct (paper thin) personalities.

But what's this!? There's a plot to murder the Prince. Oh God, the historical inaccuracy has been upped to eleven. This movie has decided that Prince Louis (the future Sun King) is a shy, polite eccentric with a passion for inventing. My theory is that Leonardo da Vinci invented a time machine, killed the real Louis (for some reason), and took his place. 

So anyway, Louis da Vinci has an uncle/cousin/relative who is acting as regent. Judging by his magnificent beard, he MUST BE EVIL! 

Uncle Evil Beard wishes to kill Louis so that he can have the throne. Unfortunately, his efforts at killing the Prince all involve convoluted plans that are doomed to failure. Such as dropping a chandelier on the Prince. 

No really, that actually happens. Only the intervention of gymkata Barbie and friends saves the Prince from being squashed. The bland monarch is saved- hurrah! 

This leads to the discovery that one of the servants is secretly a master swords-woman, who proceeds to lead the four girls down a not-at-all-creepy-secret-passage into the 17th century equivalent of the Batcave, where she trains them in the deadly fighting skills of fencing . . .

 and . . . ribbon fighting?

En garde!

But oh noes! Uncle Evil Beard's got another convoluted murder plot. This time he's going to cut the ropes tethering the Prince's hot air balloon, sending him careening into the pointy turrets of Disneyland-Versailles, which will conveniently puncture the balloon, sending the Prince crashing to the ground below. Uncle Evil Beard, just poison him or something!

The addition of a zebra would improve this film by leaps and bounds

But luckily, Barbie is there to save the Prince. Uncle Evil Beard is foiled again.

How d'ya like my ride, girl?

Uncle Evil Beard is not amused.

Which leads to Uncle Evil Beard abandoning all pretence at subtlety in his next murder plot, which the four girls just happen to walk across. And the plan is to STAB THE PRINCE TO DEATH during the 'sword dance' at the upcoming ball. Yep, that's the plan, Stab the Prince to death in full view of all ball attendees. Uncle Evil beard, you do realise that you are highly unlikely to be allowed to ascend the throne if you get caught murdering the Prince? How are you going to get out of this-say it was an accident? 'Oh dear, I appear to have stabbed your Highness by mistake!' 'Alas, your Majesty, I have accidentally decapitated you!' "We really should rethink these dances involving dangerous weaponry.' 'Oh dear, and I was so looking forward to the Machine Gun Polka'.

Zoot alors, what ever will Barbie and co do? Why, they'll sneak into the palace in disguise to protect the Prince. Pity their disguises are worse than Superman's Clark Kent get up: the masks cover about an eighth of their faces.

Sacre bleu! Zey will never recognise us. After all, zere must be many poorly disguised, suspiciously not-French girls in 17th century Disneyland-Versailles.

Time for the assination to commence! Uncle Evil Beard's cunning plan is to distract everyone with fireworks while his lackeys stab the Prince to death. It actually works: everyone gazes slack jawed at the firework

s, failing to hear the sounds of swords being drawn. Unless they're all in on it too. Wouldn't it be great if this was a gigantic conspiracy to murder the Prince, contrived by the entire nobility? 

Not to worry, Barbie and her minions are here to save the day, in an admittedly decent

fight sequence. Though half of their fight moves seem to involve dropping pieces of cloth over their opponents. Maybe palace guards are like chickens: just cover their eyes and all the fight goes out of them. 

SPARKLE SPARKLE SPARKLE!

But Uncle Evil Beard's gotta have on last go at murdering the Prince. instead of shoving him down the elevator shaft (yep, he's got an elevator), we have more convolutions that a proximal convoluted tubule, leading to Barbie and Uncle Evil Beard fighting on the rooftops. Of course, Barbie wins, and she and her friends become musketeers. Hu-freakin-rray.

This is a pretty awful movie. Although I quite like the premise, it is poorly executed, and feels really cheap and bland. There is no attempt at being historically accurate, and the film only pays lip service to Dumas' novel (yeah, I was expecting Barbie to care about adapting a story faithfully- what was I thinking?).

 Just watch the Three Musketeers film starring Michael York if you want swashbuckling, or Mulan if you want a good example of an action girl.